An old man goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for the strongest dose of Viagra, explaining that he has two extremely insatiable young girls spending the weekend with him.
He happily toddles off with his prescription.
Later that week though, he returns to the doctor asking for painkillers.
The doctor asks `Why, are you in pain after all that sex?'
`No', says the geriatric lover-man, `it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'
Показаны сообщения с ярлыком Funny. Показать все сообщения
Показаны сообщения с ярлыком Funny. Показать все сообщения
пятница, 11 декабря 2009 г.
Free Gift!!
Santa went to a shop to buy a shampoo!
He asked to shopkeeper: Where is the free gift?
Shopkeeper replied: There is no free gift with this shampoo. You would be having a misunderstanding!
Santa: Are you making me fool? Here it is written Dandruff free!
He asked to shopkeeper: Where is the free gift?
Shopkeeper replied: There is no free gift with this shampoo. You would be having a misunderstanding!
Santa: Are you making me fool? Here it is written Dandruff free!
The blond cop
A blond woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car, and was pulled over by a female police officer who was also a blonde.
The blond cop asked to see the blond driver's license.
The driver dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blond officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
The blond cop asked to see the blond driver's license.
The driver dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blond officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Now bite me!!
Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes whole night. He got irritated........drank poison and said, Now bite me you all fools......You all will die!
The Headache Cure
Bert was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his job and personal life started to suffer because of it, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches," said the doctor. "The bad news is it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles."
Bert was shocked and depressed. But since the headache made it impossible for him to concentrate long enough to answer, he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear and free from pain. He felt like a different person. He realized he could make a new beginning in life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit!" He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Bert laughed, "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job," replied the salesman.
Bert tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Bert admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Bert thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve, 16 1/2 neck." Bert was surprised. "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job."
Bert tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As Bert adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Bert was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Bert's feet and said, "Let's see...9 1/2 wide." Bert was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job."
Bert tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Bert walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating Bert replied, "Sure." The salesman eyed Bert's head and said, "Let's see...7 5/8." Bert was incredulous. "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Bert was feeling great. Then the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Bert thought for a moment, but then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Bert's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Bert laughed. "No, you finally got one wrong. I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache."
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches," said the doctor. "The bad news is it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles."
Bert was shocked and depressed. But since the headache made it impossible for him to concentrate long enough to answer, he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear and free from pain. He felt like a different person. He realized he could make a new beginning in life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit!" He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Bert laughed, "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job," replied the salesman.
Bert tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Bert admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Bert thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve, 16 1/2 neck." Bert was surprised. "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job."
Bert tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As Bert adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Bert was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Bert's feet and said, "Let's see...9 1/2 wide." Bert was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job."
Bert tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Bert walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating Bert replied, "Sure." The salesman eyed Bert's head and said, "Let's see...7 5/8." Bert was incredulous. "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Bert was feeling great. Then the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Bert thought for a moment, but then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Bert's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Bert laughed. "No, you finally got one wrong. I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache."
четверг, 10 декабря 2009 г.
One Day At The Patent Office
A young man walks into the Patent Office with a couple of his latest inventions under his arms:
`I'd like to register my new invention - a folding bottle.'
`Very interesting,' says the clerk. `What do you call it?'
'A fottle,' replies the young inventor.
`That's a pretty silly name, can't you think of something else?' asks the clerk.
`I'll think about it. In the meantime, I've got something else here to show you: my invention for a folding carton.'
'
And what do you call that?' asks the clerk.
`Oh, this is what I call a farton,' replies our young inventor.
`That is much too rude, you can't possibly use that name,' says the clerk.
`Damn, I guess you're going to hate the name of my folding bucket then.'
`I'd like to register my new invention - a folding bottle.'
`Very interesting,' says the clerk. `What do you call it?'
'A fottle,' replies the young inventor.
`That's a pretty silly name, can't you think of something else?' asks the clerk.
`I'll think about it. In the meantime, I've got something else here to show you: my invention for a folding carton.'
'
And what do you call that?' asks the clerk.
`Oh, this is what I call a farton,' replies our young inventor.
`That is much too rude, you can't possibly use that name,' says the clerk.
`Damn, I guess you're going to hate the name of my folding bucket then.'
Goodbye Mum
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, 'I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son.'
He answered, 'That's okay.'
'I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.'
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, 'Goodbye, Mum.'
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day,
he went to pay for his groceries.
'That comes to $121..85,' said the clerk.
'How come so much ... I only bought 5 items..?'
The clerk replied, 'Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too.'
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, 'I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son.'
He answered, 'That's okay.'
'I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.'
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, 'Goodbye, Mum.'
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day,
he went to pay for his groceries.
'That comes to $121..85,' said the clerk.
'How come so much ... I only bought 5 items..?'
The clerk replied, 'Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too.'
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
Couple's Funny Messages
Dear wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you
are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I
sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you
receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching
assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed
letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband,
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this
letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy.
Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more
times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore don't wait up.
Your Wife
are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I
sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you
receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching
assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed
letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband,
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this
letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy.
Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more
times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore don't wait up.
Your Wife
вторник, 8 декабря 2009 г.
Funny English
A School Master from a remote rural area in Bihar was transferred to a new School in Mumbai. He reported for duty two days after the actual date of joining. Consequently he was asked for an explanation in writing...
_________
Deer sur,
If small small mistakes getting inside my letter, I big you pardon, ass I am not a good englis speaker.
This is my fist vijit to Bombai. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly,but for the following region, too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment.
I tolded I has head ache problem due to migration. Still the clerk rejected to give ticket to I and my sun.
I putted a complain on station masterji.
He said I to go to the lady clerk.
At first she also rejected. I then pressed for long time and finally with great difficulty she gave a birth to my sun.
Anyway I thanked the station master also because he was phully responsible for getting birth of my sun.
Ass a hole it was a bhery diphicult experiment in my hole life.
I hope u will look into explain my hole story after,and late me joint first.
I am now ending this fastly. I am a waiter for your responsement.
May God blast you!"
Yours awfully,
Arun
_________
Deer sur,
If small small mistakes getting inside my letter, I big you pardon, ass I am not a good englis speaker.
This is my fist vijit to Bombai. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly,but for the following region, too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment.
I tolded I has head ache problem due to migration. Still the clerk rejected to give ticket to I and my sun.
I putted a complain on station masterji.
He said I to go to the lady clerk.
At first she also rejected. I then pressed for long time and finally with great difficulty she gave a birth to my sun.
Anyway I thanked the station master also because he was phully responsible for getting birth of my sun.
Ass a hole it was a bhery diphicult experiment in my hole life.
I hope u will look into explain my hole story after,and late me joint first.
I am now ending this fastly. I am a waiter for your responsement.
May God blast you!"
Yours awfully,
Arun
понедельник, 7 декабря 2009 г.
Crisis in economic crisis
A married Chinese businessman who could no longer afford five mistresses held a competition to decide which one to keep.
But the contest took a fatal turn when one of the women, eliminated for her looks, drove the man and the four other competitors off a cliff, Chinese media reported.
The spurned mistress died and the other passengers were injured, the reports said.
Police initially thought the car had plummeted off a mountain road in eastern China on December 6 by accident. Then they learned of the contest through a letter the dead woman had left behind, the Shanghai Daily newspaper said.
The 29-year-old woman, identified only as Yu, was a waitress when she met the businessman at a restaurant in the coastal city of Qingdao in 2000.
At the time, the businessman, identified only by his last name — Fan — was married and had four other mistresses, according to the Peninsula Metropolis Daily newspaper in Qingdao.
The women knew of one another, but none elected to break up with the man and give up their rent-free apartment and a 5,000 yuan ($730) monthly allowance, the reports said.
When the economy soured, the businessman apparently decided to let go of all but one mistress.
He staged a private talent show in May, without telling the women his intentions. An instructor from a local modeling agency judged the women on the way they looked, how they sang and how much alcohol they could hold, the Shanghai Daily said.
The judge knocked out Yu in the first round of the competition based on her looks. Angry, she decided to exact revenge by telling her lover and the four other women to accompany her on a sightseeing trip before she returned to her home province, the media reports said.
It was during the trip that Yu reportedly drove the car off the cliff.
Fan shut down his company after the crash and paid Yu’s parents 580,000 yuan ($84,744) as compensation for her death.
The four other women left him, as did his wife when she learned of the affairs.
Guinness World Records Book 2009
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The 54th edition of the Guinness World Records book has been released. In the 2009 version we can find a few interesting world records such as:
The World’s Oldest Bridesmaid (105 years old)
The Most Expensive Ice-cream Sundae (£12,000)
The World’s Longest Dog, with a nose to tail length of 2m 32cm (7.61 feet)
Oldest living person (114 years and 115 days – Edna Parker, US)
Largest underwater press conference (61 journalists)
Most rotations hanging from a power drill (141)
Worlds fastest talker (655 words per minute)
Fastest suitcase escape (7.04 seconds)
Oldest DNA (800,000 years)
Many of the records in the book were set on last year’s Guinness World Records Day (November 9) when 200,000 people around the world joined in to make or break records as part of the international event.
воскресенье, 6 декабря 2009 г.
Construction Time
A foreign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the
Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it took to build.
Twenty years, replied the guide.
You Indians are a lazy lot, the tourist said. In my country, this could have been built in five.
At Agra he admired the Taj's beauty and asked how many years it took to
build.
Only ten years, said the guide.
The tourist retorted:You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings in two-and-a-half.
In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: I don't know. It wasn't there yesterday evening.
Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it took to build.
Twenty years, replied the guide.
You Indians are a lazy lot, the tourist said. In my country, this could have been built in five.
At Agra he admired the Taj's beauty and asked how many years it took to
build.
Only ten years, said the guide.
The tourist retorted:You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings in two-and-a-half.
In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: I don't know. It wasn't there yesterday evening.
пятница, 4 декабря 2009 г.
Santa Banta Jokes
Banta is in a dissection class of cockroach.
He cuts its 1 leg, and says, "chal", it walks..
He cuts 2nd and 3rd legs and said, "chal" , it walks.
He cuts all the legs and said, "chal...." Finally he wrote the conclusion.. ....
....... "after all the legs of a cockroach are cut - it becomes deaf......"
Santa on an interview 4 da post of detective.
Interviewer : who killed Gandhi?
Santa: Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating.
Banta for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the exam the essay which came was 'FATHER' . he replaced friend with father
in the essay and it read: AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON,
I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS, SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE
MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE
FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.
Interviewer: what s ur qualification?
Santa: Sir I am Ph.D.
Interviewer : what do u mean by Ph.D?
Santa: (smiling) PASSED HIGH SCHOOL with DIFFICULTY.. ..
He cuts its 1 leg, and says, "chal", it walks..
He cuts 2nd and 3rd legs and said, "chal" , it walks.
He cuts all the legs and said, "chal...." Finally he wrote the conclusion.. ....
....... "after all the legs of a cockroach are cut - it becomes deaf......"
Santa on an interview 4 da post of detective.
Interviewer : who killed Gandhi?
Santa: Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating.
Banta for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the exam the essay which came was 'FATHER' . he replaced friend with father
in the essay and it read: AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON,
I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS, SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE
MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE
FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.
Interviewer: what s ur qualification?
Santa: Sir I am Ph.D.
Interviewer : what do u mean by Ph.D?
Santa: (smiling) PASSED HIGH SCHOOL with DIFFICULTY.. ..
Love Dress
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained.
"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.
"Then it Needs ironing," he said.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained.
"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.
"Then it Needs ironing," he said.
Confession....
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly , sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet , not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says , "Dark in here."
The man says , "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No , thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK , how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks , it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover , remembering the last time , asks the boy , "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later , the father says to the boy , "Grab your gloves , let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says , "I can't , I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks , "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says , "$500"
The father says , "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says , "Dark in here."
The priest says , "Don't start that $#!t again , you're in my closet now.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly , sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet , not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says , "Dark in here."
The man says , "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No , thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK , how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks , it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover , remembering the last time , asks the boy , "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later , the father says to the boy , "Grab your gloves , let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says , "I can't , I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks , "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says , "$500"
The father says , "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says , "Dark in here."
The priest says , "Don't start that $#!t again , you're in my closet now.
среда, 2 декабря 2009 г.
Butcher Shop
A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"
"Beef tongue," replies the butcher!
The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"
The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!".
"Beef tongue," replies the butcher!
The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"
The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!".
вторник, 1 декабря 2009 г.
BOSS and YOU
Difference between you and your boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
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